| not dead yet |
[06 Feb 2006|04:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Death Cab for Cutie // "Tomorrow" |
] |
Totally haven't been on LJ in a very long time. Here are some relatively new things in my life.
Still have my job at Brown's Wood Stuff.
Still not going to college.
Still fearing that I might not get back into the groove of college.
Not so pessimistic anymore, which seems a little hard to believe given the above statement.
Still skateboarding.
Jared moved to Florida.
Ran a half marathon.
Learned that the word 'marathon' actually stands for a set distance (26.2 miles)
Still don't know what CEO stands for.
Still trying to expand my musical tastes.
Lauren and I made up at a party in Richmond, so we're friends again. (I missed her)
Trying to "reconnect" with friends. (Ever since Jared moved, it dawned on me that I don't have very many close, close friends, so I'm trying to change that)
I met a girl named Tiffany Nicole who lives in Fredericksburg and looks almost just like a girl I wanted to meet at Liberty, though I have a sneaking suspicion that Tiffany is cooler)
Still loving Darkest Hour.
"Still sinking, still spinning, still hanging by a thread"
Still haven't had sex since you-know-who and I broke up (which isn't necessarily a bad thing)
Trying to not mention "her" name or any situation that had to do with "her" in my everyday life.
Still on medication.
Still bitching about anything I can find to bitch about.
Still think the President is a dumb ass.
Not so bias anymore when it comes to politics or the Presidency. (I understand that being the President of the United States is not by any means an easy job. However, I just can't back up someone who has had so many mishaps with words and the forming of sentences that it's sad.)
Some people still can't stand me.
Still don't give a fuck about those people.
Still uptight about almost everything under the Sun.
Still driving my trusty Toyota Camry which I'm going to drive until it dies or explodes. (That's not a joke.)
Still truckin'.
Peace.
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| I Was Wrong |
[04 Dec 2005|06:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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In Flames // "Black & White" |
] |
As much as I hate doing it, I'll admit I'm wrong. And I was wrong about Stephen's party. I "got my shit straight" now. Stephen's mom did NOT buy the beer and did NOT know we were drinking that night. I cannot reveal who bought the beer for obvious reasons so I will call this person "JFK". And Stephen told everyone that his mom knew we were drinking but didn't want anyone to leave the house, which was a good plan on his part (but I wish someone would've told me that that was the plan). So you can see why I would say something like that. And I just figured that his mom bought the alcohol because, to my knowledge, she was the only one in the house old enough to do so. Again, I was wrong. Paul set me straight on everything that happened and explained everything to me. I understand that John is pretty pissed at me for saying that I heard it from him, and rightfully so. It has also come to my attention that everyone blames me for the party being busted. We can point fingers all day, but I am going to tell you most of the possible scenarios that could've prevented the party from being busted:
...Keep in mind that I'm not pointing fingers, I'm just making up scenarios...
- if David weren't drunk, the cop would've just sent us on our way
- if we hadn't stopped to skateboard, the cops never would've come to where we were skating
- if we hadn't decided to go McDonald's to get something to eat, there's no way the cops would've found us
- if I hadn't agreed to go along, there's no way the cops could have threatened me with 3 counts of contributing to a minor (because I was the only "adult" there)
- if the party had never been held
- if JFK didn't buy the beer
- if I was were a deaf-mute
- if I had just gone home after Brett's barbecue
I feel horrible about having the party busted, and for that I apologize. I'm not asking you for forgiveness; I'm just asking that you understand the situation I was in and to think about what you would have done...
If a cop pulled you to the side and said, "I'm going to give you one of two options: the first is that I can charge you with 3 counts of contributing to a minor; the second option is that you can tell me where this party is and I won't charge you with anything", which option would you take? (I know that all of you that were at the party are thinking option one, but put honestly put yourself in that position.)
I apologize. I was wrong. Stephen was right. John, I'm sorry. Everyone at the party, I'm sorry. Stephen, I'm sorry. But I'll own up to the fact that, yes, I was wrong. And all of you know that I never meant for it to happen that way (or at all), but it did. And for that, again I apologize.
I'm not asking you not to completely hate me anymore, but that would be nice. I just want you to understand.
Peace.
-bRyAn
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| MySpace |
[27 Oct 2005|07:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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good |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Slayer // "Criminally Insane (Remix)" |
] |
okay, MySpace has my nuts in a vicegrip. I just can't get enough.....and I don't know why. In summation, I will not be posting as often as I would like because MySpace is a drug. Peace.
-bRyAn
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| Insomnia |
[24 Oct 2005|07:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
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restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Lamb of God // "A Warning" |
] |
Insomnia sucks a dick and a half. I went to sleep at about 1:20 this morning. Woke up twice. Now I'm awake. I wasn't planning on getting up for another 2 hours but fuck it, I can't go back to sleep.
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| To destroy you would be no great loss. |
[21 Oct 2005|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Bury Your Dead // "Top Gun" |
] |
Thu 20 kcs
1917 princess anne st
fredericksburg, VA
bury your dead
terror
scars of tomorrow
august burns red
taea
10 Advance / 13 Door
6:00 pm
only va show! www.eebooking.com
If you weren't there, you weren't anywhere.
Highlights:
Jared flipped a guy that was on his shoulders and he landed on his head.
I flipped a guy over and he landed straight on his back.
I learned something about someone, so I went after this person in the pit and tried to punch this person in the kidneys because it hurts, so I'm told.
I landed yet another trick. Frontside tailslide f/s revert on the quarterpipe at Curtis. I love October.
Peace.
-bRyAn
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[17 Oct 2005|08:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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content |
] |
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music |
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Radiohead // "Electioneering" |
] |
This mood I'm in better stay the way it is because I'm feeling great. And I don't know if any of you new this about me, but I love Fall weather. Like, I love it...yes, even more than masturbation. But I love masturbating in the Fall more than anything. October is my month for skateboarding. Fall usually is the time I work on old tricks or completely new ones. I don't do as many gaps in the Fall because it breeze on my open wounds doesn't feel to great. Anyway, this month I've accomplished 7 things. Actually, in the past week I've accomplished 7 things. For those of you familiar with the skatespots' names, I've ollied "The Bam Gap" (finally), did a f/s typhoon on the quarter pipe at Culpeper, f/s and b/s 50-50'd the down ledges at Culpeper, b/s heelflip'd in my driveway, f/s rock'ed one wall of the mini ramp in Culpeper, and just today I learned b/s 50-50 to fakie on a quarter pipe. It feels so cool.
Anyway, I've decided to become a philanthropist. Not for a living, of course; it doesn't pay too well. But I've been doing things lately just to help people out. Like, I have two instant win things from McDonald's (yeah, I eat there sometimes, but only when there's a possibility of winning a fucking car, however small that possibility may be) and I told my mom to give them to homeless people in D.C. because that's where she works. So from now until the end of the month, which is when this whole Monopoly thing ends, I'll be giving all my instant winners to my mom to give to the homeless.
I almost forgot. If you're ever in Richmond check out Turnstyle. Below is their card.
Check it out if you're in the neighborhood.
Peace.
-bRyAn
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| Feeling better. |
[16 Oct 2005|11:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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microsonic // "Arachnid Arachnid Arachnid" |
] |
The subject says it all; I am feeling a lot better, for the moment anyway. But this entry isn't about me, it's about this website www.pheer.com that I'm almost positive every single person reading this knows about. But I don't care. Some people might not, like me.....until tonight that is. I wanna post a few specific shows though.
Thu 20 kcs
1917 princess anne st
fredericksburg, VA
bury your dead
terror
scars of tomorrow
august burns red
taea
10 Advance / 13 Door
6:00 pm
only va show! www.eebooking.com
Fri 21 umbc rac arena- umbc campus
1000 hilltop circle
baltimore , MD
my chemical romance
alkaline trio
reggie and the full effect
$19.99
6:30 pm
all ages- tickets available at umbc, missiontix.com and all ticketmaster locations
Sat 22 9:30 nightclub
815 v st. n.w.
washington , DC
headlining is gwar with support of devildriver
a dozen furies
and mensrea
$17
7:00 pm
all of these's band have new albums out now some if you never heard of these's band, then get a copy and go see them
Sat 22 fierce house
9243 limestone place
college park , MD
exit 25 (punk)
nightmare prophecy (bowie death metal) (never heard of 'em; that just sounds cool to me)
fierce allegiance (dc thrash)
orna annon (nova power metal)
burning shadows (b'more thrash)
$5 to cover the kegs
7:00 pm
this is a $5 dollar keg thrash/metal party!!! drink and mosh it up! additiona info: xcromagsx01@hotmail.com
Sun 23 blackcat
washington , DC
local h
riddle of steel
$12
8:30 pm
mainstage
Mon 24 peppermint beach club, the
1801 atlantic ave
virginia beach , VA
local h
riddle of steel
superock
$10
8:00 pm
18 & up www.myspace.com/imgbooking
Fri 28 rock hill vfs
1565 garrisonville road
stafford , VA
age of ruin (original line up reunion; tribunal)
aria (tribunal)
goodbye soundscape(nyc)
ghost in the gears (woodbridge va)*
the aristocrat (woodbridge va) $8 ADV / $10 DOOR
6:00 pm
matt's (the owner of tribunal records) apartment burned down, this show is to help him out! please come and support
*Ghost in the Gears is an old band that I actually have ties with
Mon 31 sonar
407 e saratoga st.
baltimore , MD
avenged sevenfold
$15.00
6:00 pm
6pm doors all ages
That's all I wanted to post. Now, for a little history about my affiliation with Ghost in the Gears...
It all started when my friend Tyler, Matt, and Jordan wanted to start a band. They named it Aerial Pipe Bomb. They changed the name after they heard about that serial pipe bomber who put bombs in mailboxes (if you guys can remember that). They changed it to a name that I can't remember right now, and I was their bass drum hobo. I simply put my head in the bass drum while they played. I actually sang one of their songs that I really liked. People said it was uncanny how much I sounded like Matt. Anyway, the point is that they (Tyler, Matt, and Jordan) decided to break up as a band. Jordan went on to join Ghost in the Gears as their bassist. Haven't heard anything about the band since then. Except, of course, for the show updates for October on www.pheer.com yo!
Peace.
-bRyAn
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| I Love This Part of My Life...... |
[14 Oct 2005|08:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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I feel like a shitbag. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Slayer // "Criminally Insane (Remix)" |
] |
As you will discover upon reading the following, the subject of this particular entry is sarcastic.
Have you ever had that feeling like you wanted to blow your fucking brains out with a single fucking bullet with a sign taped to you that says "You should have payed more attention. Now I'm dead." ? I kind of feel that way right now. (And Kendra, I'm sorry about this; I know it brings up old feelings) If it weren't for friends, I would end my life without looking back for a second. I love all of you. But you're the only thing keeping me from ending my life, which kind of pisses me off. I start thinking about how much everyone would be hurt and I just get so god damn frustrated. It's like, I just keep having these ethical wars inside my head, and the "Friends" side always wins, and there's proof of that because I'm still here. All I can do is laugh at how pathetic I am. And how it's not my fault at all.
Emo kid. I'm sure you've heard the expression and how "they" get made fun of for crying about things. Well, to all of those who make fun of emo kids, you've obviously never been diagnosed with depression, had your sense of fatherly love get totally FUCKED at age 2, or ever come to terms with reality. You think it's so cool to fucking scream all the time instead of cry. Deep down inside you know you want to cry, but you disguise it as a scream. That's all screaming is; a hidden cry. But after you're done screaming, it's just crying. And there's nothing wrong with crying. There's nothing wrong with crying because someone you love(d) betrayed you and pretty much said "fuck you" with a gesture.
Anyway, back to my pitiful problems that I can't deal with because I'm too weak so I have to let the world know so everyone can come to my rescue because, like I said, I'm too weak. And one day that weakness is going to completely destroy me. The problem? I don't know how to "toughen up". I'm guessing that relationships can make you tougher emotionally, and since I've only been in one serious one, i guess that makes me pretty weak. And I know that some of you are probably thinking "I've been through worse than that. You don't what Hell is." And you're absolutely right. I've probably been through 1/1000000000000000 of what Hell is. But you know what, I honestly, genuinely, flat-out do not care. I have problems. You have problems. Fuck comparisons. It's sickening; I've seen people actually try to one-up each other with the worse they've been through, like it's some kind of tough man competition. That's what humans have become -- athletes. Athletes of sorrowful events.
I've mae up my mind about "God" and "Satan". Hell exists. Heaven does not. Deal with it.
Notice how in my last entry I felt so great and on top of the world, and now I'm back here typing about how I wish I were dead and how I don't give a fuck about anything anymore. But tomorrow will be different. I will love life. The day after tomorrow, I will want to hang myself my own small intestine. The day after that is school, so I'm bound to feel like shit. Fuck.
Peace (I guess).
-bRyAn
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| "I'm feeling much better now, thank you." |
[12 Oct 2005|07:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Red Hot Chili Peppers // "Scar Tissue" |
] |
Okay, I'm back on my medication, and I feel a lot better. Although, some things still get to me and make me very sad/angry/jealous. Well, I text messaged Devon asking if her parents still thought I was crazy (long story -- read past blogs) and she said yes, and her boyfriend Jon also thought so. I asked why they thought that. She said she didn't know and to stop texting her because it was her anniversary.
In summary, I really, really, really, really, really, really need to learn how to let go. I don't know if it's just me but I find it very hard to move on from the first serious relationship that I've ever been in. With the "I love you"s and the "We'll be together forever"s. Bah! Bullshit. Nothing lasts forever; love is no exception. And neither are diamonds. Fuck those commercials.
I hate posting things like this because I usually get comments that try to cheer me up (which kind of pisses me off because for some reason I like to wallow in self-pity) or comments that mock me for wallowing in self-pity. I remember nights at my old house when I would be crying in my bed, and it would be about something that really wasn't a big deal (and sometimes I didn't even know why I was crying). I would cry just loud enough for someone to hopefully hear it, but quiet enough to make it seem like I wasn't doing it for attention. I brought this to my mother's attention once. She said that it wasn't that she didn't care that I was crying, she just couldn't hear me. Thinking about it, I miss those days. But at the same time, those were the worst times of my life; not knowing why I was crying or what was wrong with me. I'm sorry. I guess I'm writing this as a sort of pseudo-biography/"please pity me" post. It was Casey Kitt that gave me some really great advice one summer night. I was complaining about how my life sucked and shit like that. She said that she was going to be brutally honest with me and if it hurts my feelings then she's sorry. Anyway, she said that people don't want to hear that because it makes them feel uncomfortable and it brings them down, too. She said that people aren't really trained to respond to remarks like "I wish I were dead". And I thought about it, and I realized how horribly fucking selfish I was being. Who am I to put a burden like that on someone? I wouldn't know what to say to someone who said "Hey, Bryan.....I'm thinking about killing myself...." Like, what am I supposed to say to help this person realize that their life is worth something? And that's when it hit me. I knew I was being selfish. To everyone who had to put up with my random IMs about how sad I was and how I didn't have a girlfriend or a car or a job -- from the ground floor of my heart, I am truly sorry.
I guess that's all I had to say. Venting is a good method.
Peace.
-bRyAn
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| Load. Pull. Bang. Dead. Hurray. |
[10 Oct 2005|07:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Beatles // "Yesterday" |
] |
Wow. I feel like shit. And the worst part about it is that I know exactly why and what I could have done to prevent it. I was in Richmond this past weekend and just didn't take my medicine. I know I should have, but I didn't. I forgot how much I miss skating in Richmond.
I have a 28 in biology, and I have a feeling that my other classes aren't going any better, with the exception of pre-calculus. All we do in that class is take tests. It's like this: homework, homework, review, test, repeat. It's quite simple.
Peace.
-bRyAn
(P.S. - if anyone wants to just kind of sit on my chest and punch me in the face while i'm sleeping until i'm a vegetable, i wouldn't mind all that much)
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| what the fuck |
[26 Sep 2005|11:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Lamb of God // "Ashes of the Wake" |
] |
Am I the only person who finds MySpace to be a huge pain in the ass? Is there anyone else who has started a MySpace account and then just said, "Fuck it."? It sucks because everyone is so into MySpace; it feels like being uninvited to a party that you know is going on.
Peace.
-bRyAn
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| I'm back. |
[22 Sep 2005|02:13pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
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music |
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None; I'm in English class |
] |
I got back on Monday afternoon. There is too much to say about my trip to Chicago, so I will make this brief. (I'm in English class writing this, so that's another reason to make this brief.) Basically, Chicago,Illinois, the city part of it, is one of the coolest places I've ever been to. I developed a nasty cough over the vacation. I started a shotglass collection. I have 3 Chicago shotglasses and 1 Wisconsin shotglass. I'm trying to get all 50 states, and other unique shotglasses. Yesterday I landed a backside wallride first try on a Jersey barrier (one of those concrete blocks that are usually used as road blocks). I also landed a few other things, too. It was so much fun, except for the whole coughing up phlegm part. Yeah, I know, I didn't have to go there, but I so did. I have to go now. I'll update (more) later.
Peace.
-bRyAn
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[14 Sep 2005|08:57pm] |
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mood |
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all right |
] |
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music |
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Team America // "Everyone has AIDS" |
] |
Okay, that history paper that I said was due today isn't due until like next week. That's a huge relief, because now I can just put off for longer and not get it done. Awesome!
I leave for Chicago, Illinois, tomorrow at 7:39 PM to see Ryan graduate from his Navy boot camp stuff. I won't be back until Sunday.
Peace.
-bRyAn
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| Seasonal Depression |
[13 Sep 2005|08:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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Sedated |
] |
| [ |
music |
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System of a Down // "Roulette" |
] |
For any of you that have moved from one place to another, do you ever get depressed feelings when a certain type of weather comes around? Doesn't it remind you of all of the good, uncomparable times you had with your old friends during that weather? I had that feeling today. I mean, I love Fall weather and the reason I love it is because it's great skating weather. It's just that I've always loved Fall weather because it always meant that I would go skating with all of my friends at all of our favorite spots. I'm not saying that skating with my new friends isn't fun. I'm just saying that it puts me in a place that I'm really not. And I don't like it. I don't know. I've just been kind of depressed lately. No drive to really do anything. Tired almost all the time. Whatever. Winter will probably be worse. I like snow, but not the slush that comes after. That hard, brown, ice crap on the sides of the roads. It just looks bad. I think I don't like that because it reminds me of New York where my mom grew up. When my sister and I were younger, we'd go there sometimes to visit. It was usually snowing. I just didn't like the environment. The part of New York was bad. Not New York City, but Utica, New York. There were a lot of broken homes and shit around there. It just made me realize how lucky I was to get Laurie Johnson (later to be Benn) instead of Joni Johnson. I won't even go into how her life is. That's just out of respect. Anyway, I've just been feeling really out of place and sad lately. I feel like there seriously is no point in life. If there is a "God", why would "He" create something that doesn't last forever. People think that things last forever. Like those Zales diamond people. "A Diamond is Forever." Bullshit. I don't know. I'm not in the right state of mind to be making statements like that. Or any at all really. Or maybe it's the perfect state of mind. Maybe I'm thinking clearly and the rest of my thoughts in life are just a giant blur. Maybe not. This is exactly what I'm talking about ('I feel like there seriously is no point in life.') What's the point in living if you can never be sure of anything? And the only thing you can be sure of is that you never can be sure of anything. That's the only thing I'm sure of. That and death. That question about the point in living is not meant to be taken as a personal thought (suicide), it's more of a "Hey, you should think about this" type question.
I haven't been trying in college at all, whereas my cousin Steven is not only trying in college, but also working two jobs, and only getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night. It makes me feel like just totally inferior. Like, I know I'm going to be complaining about my shitty grades in the future, and I know it's my lack of trying right now. My cousin is just trying to make something of himself. He doesn't want to be in the position his father is in (which I also won't talk about out of respect). He's got obligations. He doesn't have a car, so that's why he's working two jobs. When he told me about how he was going to school, working, and getting dangerously low amounts of sleep, I asked how he managed. He replied, "well, i just gotta do what i gotta do, ya know?" And I replied, "yeah, i know" but I really have absolutely no fucking clue what it would be like to do all of that. I hold a tremendous amount of respect for him.
Anyway, yeah, I haven't been trying in college at all. I just kind of sit there. I take notes and stuff, but never go over them. That's been a habit I've never been able to break. I just never look at my notes. Ever. The only class I know I'm passing is Pre-calc. And the only reason that I'm sure is because we've taken two tests and I got a 100 on the first one and I took the second one today, but I know that at least nine of them are right and there are only ten questions. I just guessed on the last one because I just wanted to leave and I figured that 90 percent was good enough. In history there's no homework, there's only projects to do and papers to write. For instance, tomorrow I have a paper due in History which is my first class of the day, but I'm just not going to write it. In biology, I still haven't bought a workbook that has all the labs we've been doing and will be doing. I might be passing that class, but that's if you take into account my quiz grades which have been good. With the exception of the last quiz, I've had 3 out of 5 or higher. Last quiz I got a 2 out of 5. Not bad for guessing, I guess. In english....I don't even do anything. I'm supposed to do some paper or something. I simply just don't care. The really peculiar part about all of this is that I paid for my college. It's only community college but still, 2000 bucks is a lot to pay on your own. (Yes, I got that $500 scholarship thing for writing about Tim Lawrence, that high school grad that died in a house fire not long after he graduated, but that still leaves $1500.) I paid for it, yet I almost refuse to do any work. And I'm only taking four classes: the core classes. Devon has 4 classes on Monday, 3 on Tuesday, 2 on Wednesday, 3 on Thursday, and 2 on Friday. She said she gets maybe one or two days off, depending on the amount of homework she gets. Again, feelings of inferiority. But I guess I should. I'm not complaining about how hard I think I have it. That would be completely fucking assanine (which I've known to be). I'm just complaining for the people that don't have the time to complain. If I were in my cousin's or Devon's position, I would break down like every damn day. Here I am talking about my schedule and how easy it is to just coast through college. But see, the coasting only works when you actually have no problem doing the work and have the tolerance to put up with all of it. I'm doing more of a 'cruise control' to Failuretown, Virginia, at 85 miles an hour without a seatbelt on. I'm one of those people who just kind of wants things to work out for them without having to do hardly anything. Jared's life seems to fit that description pretty well. He's got an awesome girlfriend, a full-time job, and a totally sweet Saab. I guess I just rely on karma way too much. I'm gonna need to break that habit.
Peace.
-bRyAn
PS - If anyone knows what album the song Snowblind by System of a Down is on, could you please let me know? I know it's not on any of their "regular" CDs, so it has to be on a CD that wasn't released in the U.S. or it might be a bonus track on one of their "regular" CDs.
Random Quiz
What year did the Civil War start? (Now is when you close your eyes, think back to the eighth grade, say "I know this one", and get annoyed because you can't remember. Or you know it and don't need the previous instructions.)
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[12 Sep 2005|07:14pm] |
Damn, I need a job.
-bRyAn
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| Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (And I Don't Give a Shit) |
[09 Sep 2005|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Spineshank // "Tear Me Down" |
] |
People get so fucking worked up over such small, stupid things. Grow up for fuck sake. So what if I didn't make a phone call? Apparently friendships are ended that way. So what if I told a cop where a party was? You'd do the same. So get the fuck off my back and learn to deal with shit. And, yeah, I know I said "learn to deal with shit", but I'm not talking about shit that goes on your permanent record. I don't know if you can understand the word permanent Steven. It tends to mean "forever", "ever-lasting", things of that nature. Grow up and shut up.
Fuck you.
-bRyAn
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| Sorry. |
[07 Sep 2005|10:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Coheed & Cambria // "The Velorium Camper I: Faint of Heart" |
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Alright, so Lauren's pissed at me and I guess we're no longer friends because I didn't go with her to drop Tim back off at VCU in Richmond on Monday. From my previous entry one might be able to understand why I was not able to. My mom thought that it was SOOOOOOO important that I get my wallet (with no money in it), cell phone, and medicine from this kid Stephen's house. I told her that John would get it for me and drop it off, which he totally could have done, but my mom insisted that I get my things back or else I couldn't drive to school on Tuesday. It's not like the car won't start unless you have a license. I thought it was fucking ridiculous. Anyway, because I went skating "all day" Lauren thinks I ditched her and Tim. It's not that I ditched them, it's that I had more "important" business to take care of. If it were up to me, I would have gone with her and Tim and let John bring it by the house, but my mom just kept driving me crazy telling me to get my stuff back. So I finally did. I took until fucking 9:30 o clock at motherfucking night to do it and now one less friend, but I did it. Thanks mom.
Yes, I could have done some things to tell Lauren that I wouldn't be able to make it, but I wasn't exactly thinking about that when I arrived at Stephen's to find no one home. I told Jared I was thinking about seeing if the door was unlocked and just going in, getting my shit, and then getting the hell out of there, but he was all, "mmamanhhahhhh that's breaking and entering, I don't want to go to prison" and I'm thinking, "dude, his back door is like 10 feet below the surface, no one would even fucking see me." All I can say is that I'm sorry that I couldn't have went with you guys. And I'm sorry that a friendship had to broken up over something so fucking stupid.
Sorry for ever caring about anyone.
-bRyAn
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[06 Sep 2005|05:26pm] |
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Megadeth // "A Tout le Monde" |
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Holy hell, this past weekend was a little crazy. T'was full of twists and turns. Friday Lauren and I went to go pick up Tim from VCU. Then, one of Lauren's friends called and we picked her up too. There was a party at Brett's the following day at like 5. We went to that. That was fun. I got passed out for the first time in my life. You know, that thing where you inhale then exhale and one of your friends chokes you from behind and you just kind of go limp for a few seconds. When you wake up, nothing makes sense. When I came to, I thought I had been dreaming for about half an hour or more. I didn't know what was going on. Approximately 8 seconds after I came to, I remembered that Marc had passed me out. It's one of the craziest feelings in the world. It's like, "Hey, you wanna do that thing where I pass you out?" and you're like, "Sure." and then someone chokes you and you can't remember what happenes after that. You don't remember hitting the ground. You don't remember anything until you realize that it's not a dream you "woke up" to. Anyway, after the party, I decided to go with Paul, Seth, and John to a party that John's cousin Stephen was having at his house in Culpeper. That was a bad decision as I would later find out. Stephen's mom bought all the beer and knew about the whole thing, but her only rule was that anyone who has had even a drop of alcohol is not aloud to leave the house. We totally violated that rule. Oh yeah, my sister came too but didn't drink anything just because. She drove me (half a beer), Seth (three beers), and this kid named David (??? beers) to McDonald's to get something to eat. After that, David and I went skating at the abandoned, broken down Hardee's in Culpeper near CVS. About 20 minutes into skating, a cop showed up. Keep in mind that it was about 1:30 in the morning at this time. The cop pulled up and asked, "What are you guys doing?", but he said it like HE was my dad or something. He put a lot of emphasis on the word 'doing' but skipped through the 'what are you guys' part kinda fast. (Okay, a very massive conversation ensues, as you can imagine, so I'm going to write the conversation like you would a script)
Cop 1: What are you guys doing? [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<puts [...] park.>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Holy hell, this past weekend was a little crazy. T'was full of twists and turns. Friday Lauren and I went to go pick up Tim from VCU. Then, one of Lauren's friends called and we picked her up too. There was a party at Brett's the following day at like 5. We went to that. That was fun. I got passed out for the first time in my life. You know, that thing where you inhale then exhale and one of your friends chokes you from behind and you just kind of go limp for a few seconds. When you wake up, nothing makes sense. When I came to, I thought I had been dreaming for about half an hour or more. I didn't know what was going on. Approximately 8 seconds after I came to, I remembered that Marc had passed me out. It's one of the craziest feelings in the world. It's like, "Hey, you wanna do that thing where I pass you out?" and you're like, "Sure." and then someone chokes you and you can't remember what happenes after that. You don't remember hitting the ground. You don't remember anything until you realize that it's not a dream you "woke up" to. Anyway, after the party, I decided to go with Paul, Seth, and John to a party that John's cousin Stephen was having at his house in Culpeper. That was a bad decision as I would later find out. Stephen's mom bought all the beer and knew about the whole thing, but her only rule was that anyone who has had even a drop of alcohol is not aloud to leave the house. We totally violated that rule. Oh yeah, my sister came too but didn't drink anything just because. She drove me (half a beer), Seth (three beers), and this kid named David (??? beers) to McDonald's to get something to eat. After that, David and I went skating at the abandoned, broken down Hardee's in Culpeper near CVS. About 20 minutes into skating, a cop showed up. Keep in mind that it was about 1:30 in the morning at this time. The cop pulled up and asked, "What are you guys doing?", but he said it like HE was my dad or something. He put a lot of emphasis on the word 'doing' but skipped through the 'what are you guys' part kinda fast. (Okay, a very massive conversation ensues, as you can imagine, so I'm going to write the conversation like you would a script) Cop 1: What are you guys doing? <Puts car in park. Gets out of car> When were you born? Bryan: '87. <Realizing that the cop was looking for an exact date, I elaborate> March 30th 1987. Cop 1: And how old are you? David: 15. Cop 1: (Because I couldn't hear the conversation very well/can't remember exactly what he said, I'm going to improv) You know there's a curfew in Culpeper. It takes effect from 12 to 4...and it's <checks watch> 1:30. <Looks at us like we're stupid. Talks into his stupid radio thing asking for something. A few moments later, another police car shows up> Cop 2: <Trying to act casual> How you doin' tonight? Bryan: Pretty good. <Was actually thinking, "A lot better until you guys showed up."> Cop 2: What's your name? Bryan: Bryan Benn Cop 2: Bryan Benn...okay. Do you have any I.D. on you Bryan? Bryan: Yeah I do. <Checks back pocket to discover that he left his wallet at Stephen's house because it had no money and didn't figure that he would need it. Puts surprised face on> Oh, actually, no I don't. Sorry. A lot of shit happened between then and the end, so I'll just sum it up. Cop 1 asked Seth, Kimberly, David, and me how much we had to drink, simply assuming that we had. I guess he saw it in David's eyes. Or maybe he smelt it. (It probably wouldn't have been as bad if David didn't drink so much. I'm not pointing fingers, I'm just saying that it probably would have been a curfew thing if that fucker didn't take his job so seriously.) At first it was just me and David. Then when Cop 2 showed up, he saw them, due in part to Cop 1 asking me my relationship to David. I said he was a friend, but my sister was over there, and pointed to where she was sitting. Then Cop 1 shined his light on Seth and Kimberly and Cop 2 went over and addressed them. I'm not exactly sure what happened regarding their conversation while walking over to the car. Ask my sister when you see her, just don't ask super loud. Moving back towards the subject in the first sentence, Cop 2 brought Kimberly and Seth over to the cars and Cop 1 asked all of us how much we had had to drink. I said none. He asked me again. I said none. He asked me again, but preluded with "I'm only gonna ask you one mo' time". (This guy was kinda hick. Kinda really hick. But not like "I fuck my sister" hick, he just had kind of a hick accent and that whole hick mentality, hence the 'I'm only.....time.') I finally gave up and said half a can. He kinda laughed and said something like, "Well, there's a difference between none and half a can." (Apparently there isn't because I still blew 0.00. Asshole.) He asked David first before me or Seth or my sister. He gave David the breathalizer test first, and what seemed like only David. But then he decided to give all of us breathalizer tests. David blew a 0.07 which is almost four times what he should be blowing so Cop 1 tells me. (Let me just say something here. This cop was, and continues to be, an idiot. He said it was four times as much as he SHOULD BE BLOWING. He's 15. He shouldn't have anything alcoholic in his system, which would mean he is supposed to blow a 0.00. Four multiplied by zero is zero. Apparently you can fail English AND Math and still become a cop.) He asked Seth how much he had had to drink and he said half a can when really he had 3. My sister was waiting for him to crack, but he kept insisting he had only had half a can. She was thinking, "Oh, come on Seth, just tell him." He then asked my sister who said she had had none. He paused for a moment to write something down or something and looked back up, pointed at Seth and asked again, "How much have you had to drink?" He said it in the manner that you would ask your friends to check to see if they have their story straight. Kinda like an, "Okay, so what happened here?" It was like a test. (Pigs are for bacon.) Seth responded, "Honestly only half a can." Then he asked my sister who, again, said none. He gave Seth a breathalizer. Seth blew 0.03. Not bad for 3 cans. I blew a 0.00 which I stated earlier. Kimberly blew a 19.83295. Then she exploded. Seriously though, she blew a 0.00, of course. We explained that we were at a friend's house and that we were hungry and decided to get something to eat. Then we decided to go skateboarding. Cop 1 put 2 and 2 together and came up with something that most people totally would never get. He figured out that there was a party we came from. Can you imagine what his IQ must be.....it must be like......fucking like 8888888888I'm_a_fucker_00090987069 er some shit. Before the breathalizers, he asked if I had I.D. and if I had anything illegal on me. I asked "like, what do you mean...?" and he said, "Do you have any weed on you or anything like that?" and I said "No." Literally about 8 seconds later he asked if minded if I checked and I said go ahead and put my arms out and stuff. He checked David too. But he didn't check Seth or Kimberly I don't think. At some point during this incident Cop 1 gave me some speech about how I was an "adult" and that the people that I was with were my responsibility. He even said something like, "If he <David> were to skate out into traffic and get hit by a car you could possibly be charged with first degree manslaughter." I was about to say, "Well, I wouldn't let that happen.", but he went on with his "You're an Adult Now!" speech. He said he could charge me with 3 counts of contributing to a minor. I said, "......Well....don't you have to be 21?" He went off on some tangent about how that didn't matter because I was 18. (Please correct me if I'm wrong, but contributing to a minor would be buying a minor alcohol or cigarettes. I'm only 18, so how could I possibly be charged with that if I can't even legally buy alcohol?) He said he wouldn't charge me if I told him where the party was right then. I asked him if he knew where ________ Court was and he said yes. I told him to pass another court that started with the letter '__' and to look for a certain type of car in front of a house. That was the house that the party was at. After the breathalizer tests, he called all of our parents. David's dad showed up first. His court date is sometime soon. Seth's mom then showed up. His court date is the same as David's. Following not far behind was my mother. My gut kinda did this thing where it made me feel like throwing up. Fucking stomach. My mother asked if I was aloud to drive my sister's car back, because she couldn't because of the curfew laws. That reminds me, he also wrote tickets for being out after curfew. A third cop showed up while we were waiting for our parents. He was very cool. He said, "I've been working as a cop in this town for 20 years now, and I don't even bother with silly things like this. These guys get all excited about stuff like this." He had a smile on his face and was kind of chuckling at the level of severity that Cop 1 brought all of it to. It was cool hearing him say that. My sister has this thing where she asks cops a bunch of questions. At one point I was just kinda like "Okay, is she ever gonna shut the fuck up." but after a while, she started asking questions about stuff that only cops should know about. She got some good information off of him. I wasn't really paying attention because I was waiting for my mom to pull up and kill me right there on that pavement. Anyway, Kimberly couldn't drive home because of curfew. And I couldn't drive because I didn't bring my wallet which contains my license. He gave me permission to follow my mom home and not go anywhere else. Let me go back to the beginning for just a minute. I told my mom that Kimberly and I would be staying at John's house. When she found out that we weren't, she was a little mad. She said something like, "Okay, first of all you're not where you're supposed to be. Is this something I need to separate you two for and ask you separately or what?" Kimberly said no, it wasn't something that we needed to be asked separately. Driving home, I had a feeling that my mom was asking Kimberly how we ended up at Stephen's and then she was going to ask me at home. Luckily Kimberly got to me first and told me what she had told mom. Even more luckily my mom never asked me how we ended up at Stephen's. Anyway, I ended up leaving my medicine, wallet, cell phone, and 2 DVD's at his house and didn't get them back until Monday night at about 9:40. I spent Sunday doing something. I can't remember. But Monday I spent almost the entire day in Culpeper skating and trying to get my shit back. My mom finally got tired of waiting and called John on his cell phone and asked to talk to Stephen's mom. They talked. I have my stuff back. It sucked because I wanted to go with Lauren to drop Tim and her friend off in Richmond. Now I have this USB port memory card thing that's Tim's. I need to get it back to him somehow. That's my story. God damn. Oh yeah, I got a 100 on my math test I took last week. Peace. -bRyAn |
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| I'm sorry |
[31 Aug 2005|10:45pm] |
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Thursday // "Standing on the Edge of Summer" |
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I love when I have these alternating periods of ecstatic happiness only to be inevitably followed by feelings of pity and self-doubt, and then uncontrollably joyous again. Thank you both. I just miss everyone from school. It's different, and history has proven that different things sometimes yield violent outcomes. I guess it depends on who you are and how you were "taught" to handle situations. I just ran out of ways to express myself. And I'm really really really really truly very sorry Kendra; I totally forgot. It must be Hell hearing it every night. I'm sorry to have diminished the reality and seriousness of death. I would and could never kill myself. I just need to find an outlet, and one that doesn't involve writing about death and despair.
My true feelings:
Kendra - you're a very good friend, and I appreciate your support
Emily - you're a very close dear friend that I've known for a long time. i want to be with you. i know i can't, but those are my feelings. i love you like a sister (but not like the one I have now)
I know -- it's cold, but it's true. Kimberly gets on my (fuckin') nerves.
Thank you 100 times over, and 100 times again.
Peace. Peace to all.
-bRyAn, the very alive guy
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| ABCD....fuck....XYZ |
[30 Aug 2005|11:08pm] |
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Darkest Hour // "With a Thousand Words to Say But One" |
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A second ago I was feeling just fine. Now I feel like I'm out of my motherfucking mind. Like I'm not of their kind. Like my soul is blind. All I ever wanted to fucking do was shine. Now I feel as if I'm lying to myself.
I'm not the only one whose gone crazy from L*O*V*E* and the feeling that everyone's sharing it with everyone else but me. You feel the same way, I know. I know that people have worse than I do. I don't fucking care. I'm looking out for myself from now on, until my L*O*V*E* emerges from the (seemingly) endless crowds of faces and personalities floating through the air. Fuck everyone else. I swear to "God", if I get just one pity comment from any one of you, I'm never talking to you again. Stop trying to make me feel better. I don't know if I mean that or not. My mind's eye sees a bullet and a gun and my brain. Now it sees my brain in pieces all over my kitchen and all the people I might hurt by looking out for myself. This world holds no place for me. (Tim has it worse than me.) Nothing left to do but beat the shit out of something until I break my hands and obliterate the bones in my hands until they resemble shards of glass. Then try to pick up a belt to hang myself with. Please fucking help me.
Somebody. Please find me before I do.
Peace (is for pussies)
-bRyAn('s dead)
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